For Round 1, I placed 9th overall in my particular group. For Round 2, I placed 5th within the same group. This gave me enough points to advance to round 3.
Round 2’s challenge was a little easier for me. The genre was Action/Adventure, the location was a ship’s cabin, and it had to feature a black and white photograph. This particular assignment occurred the weekend of September 13th. As it turned out, I had made plans with a friend already that took me out of town that weekend, so I spent the time thinking over my assignment and then shot it out over the course of 2 or 3 hours immediately after a day spent driving home and shortly before the deadline. This one did not have the benefit of another pair of eyes, but I feel more at home with Action/Adventure, and I am quite pleased with out it turned out. I might strengthen it at some point in the future because I do like it, but not anytime soon.
So, here is my round 2 story: “The Color of Her Eyes”
Arnesh carefully ran a finger down the photo, tracing the edge of her grey toned likeness. He had trouble remembering the color of her eyes. How many years had it been since they had parted ways? He had heard the tales of her feats and conquests and had assumed she had forgotten him. When her rivals had captured him, he had doubted she would come. But when the first cannon blast had jolted the ship, he felt that it was her, felt her bones call to his bones like an old familiar song.
Another blast – the ship shook again, and he could hear the quick steps of his captors approaching. His heart leapt – it was confirmation. She had come. He folded the picture back up and slipped it into the pocket of his shirt, being careful to button it shut. He had no intention of losing his keepsake, even if he hoped to see the original soon.
He stood slowly, feeling well past his prime, but he had no intention of being used as leverage, not against her, not when she had actually come. He spat at the thought as the door burst open and three men bustled in, one of them holding rope. They paused momentarily at the look on his face, which had changed him so much from the resigned old man they had hustled on board and shoved into this small cramped cabin a week ago.
Arnesh took the moment of their hesitation to move forward, snatching the rope away and twisting it around his hands. The one that recovered more quickly than his companions slipped his cutlass from the scabbard and lunged forward, and Arnesh, anticipating the move, grabbed the blade with his rope-protected hands and twisted the sword from his attacker’s grip. Letting the shredded pieces of rope fall to the ground, he flipped the cutlass to grip the handle and slashed up at his attacker, who cried out in pain and fell back, clutching at his abdomen to hold it closed. In the same fluid movement Arnesh shifted to block the blade of his next attacker.
The ring of metal on metal and the drawing of first blood seemed to spook the three. They stared at him in wide-eyed awe, and he felt a flash of anger course through him. They had taken him captive knowing what his relationship was to the Jewel of the Seas – had they not heard of the times he had fought side by side with her? Furious, he parried the blade aside and pushed his cutlass into his opponent’s neck, feeling some satisfaction in the gurgling and gush of red and the surprised gasping cry of the man he had slashed first who was still sitting in the corner, clasping his gut.
He realized the third captor had retreated at some point when he heard the returning thumps of many running feet. He pushed his dead opponent off his blade with his foot, and with an absentminded flick of his wrist, ended the life of the man whose cutlass he had taken. He momentarily considered arming himself with the second cutlass, but the space in the cabin they had kept him in was too small. He would not be able to move as freely with two blades in his hand.
He moved himself closer to the door – if they wanted him, they’d have to come at him one at a time. He had no intention of making it easy. He heard the tell-tale signs, felt the shudder of the ship being boarded, of men fighting and dying above, and heartened, he met the first of the attackers attempting to enter the cabin. All he had to do was last in this battle, and then he’d be able to see and remember – the color of her eyes.
Cordelia jumped first, fearless, onto the enemy ship, as any good Captain should, and nearly a hundred courageous souls shouted and followed her lead. She trusted that they would handle the fighting up top and bee-lined below decks, hoping she wasn’t too late. She heard the clang of swords ahead, felt her bones sing with the thrill – Arnesh was here! Arnesh was alive! Arnesh was fighting! She felt like laughing, certain the fools rued the day they had decided to use Arnesh as bait. A small crowd stood ahead, all bustling against each other to get in through a door. Cordelia couldn’t see past their bodies, but she knew what to do – she crowed, and brandishing her blade she slammed her sword forward into the mass of bodies ahead of her. Surprised cries of pain rose out from the small crowd, and now men at the back were turning to face her instead.
She took two measured steps back and carefully, methodically cut down each man in front of her, focused only on their blades, the movements and shifts of their bodies, the flash of their eyes – every sign that told her where they intended to strike. She had always been good at losing herself in her battles like this. She heard the rush of her own heart in her ears and felt herself grinning ear from ear as she parried and struck, blocked and slashed.
And then she was face to face with an opponent that seemed somehow familiar in his litheness and she moved to strike – and was shocked when he quite easily disarmed her. “You’re in quite the frenzy,” he growled at her, and she blinked and reassessed, recognizing the line of his jaw, the crinkles around his eyes that seemed deeper set now. He tossed his blood covered cutlass aside, and she twirled, looking at the bodies arrayed around them, making sure it was safe, before throwing herself into his open arms.
“Arnesh!”
He pulled her back, stared into her face long and hard a moment, and smiled. Her eyes were the deep green of a calm sea. And they felt like home.
The Judge’s comments:
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {1921} All pirate queens/captains should be named “Cordelia,” something about it just sounds perfect for that role. Besides that, I thought this was a thrilling tale, and you did a great job at drumming up action throughout, and using the prompts judiciously. My favorite details included the way that the two leads thought so fondly of each other – sometimes the best action is spurred by old love and romance. {1927} A well-told, action-packed story. It’s rich in description and vibrant action. The prose is dense, but the accessible. The author does a great job taking in to account all the senses, especially sound. The happy ending works well without being to saccharine. {1774} What an enjoyable, adventurous frolic on the high seas! You established the depth of the connection between the two characters quickly and believably. Your rich descriptions propelled the action wonderfully, especially the fight specifics. Great pirate action and romance. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {1921} This story needs a little editing love. There were a good many sentences that were clunky, and felt like that had been banged out in a first draft and sent to print under a deadline (which very well may be the case – I’m not one to judge) and I think that you are 90% of the way there. To give a morbid metaphor: your story not only has good bones, but a great musculature and circulatory system on top to boot, all it needs is a little skin to wrap around it and get going. {1927} There needs to be a few more obstacles/dangers in each of their quests. Yes, they are fighting, but it never feels like they will not succeed. I was also unclear of who exactly the protagonist was here. I may have missed some between the lines information, but some more hints about that would have been helpful. The POV change is good, but think it would be better if it were broken up a little more and we see what each is going through up until the point their united. {1774} Describe how/why Arnesh was taken. If he was, in fact, being used as bait, what did his captors seek from Cordelia? Share more about the couple’s history together.
When debating how to go about it, I considered a less romantic route and maybe more of a touching family reunion between a daughter and her father following some of the same basic idea of a dramatic fight scene in a ship’s cabin. I was a bit worried that the ending was a bit too Diabetes inducing, so I was glad to see that it wasn’t eye rolling to the judges at least. I also found it amusing that they could tell how rushed the work was.
mehryment 