For the second story, my genre was Fairy Tale, the setting was an animal rescue shelter, and the item that had to appear was a loaf of bread. I was more confident with this genre, and did score 3rd overall in our group, but with the poor results of the first story was not able to advance to the next round.

I found that I really liked the idea of this story as a prelude for a longer story. I’m not sure that I will ever actually write it, but the idea was quite fun. At first I was going to lean towards using aliens, but then realized that would lean more sci fi than fairy tale, so changed the adopters. I was a little worried that the judges knowing what to look out for in the story would spoil the ending and cause it to score lower, but I really liked the idea and decided to stick to it, and it did work out in the end. So the following is my story: Adoption.

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            Danny could remember hearing his mother’s voice yelling caution, “Don’t go too far in, Daniel! I don’t want to lose you!”

            But something about the calming green of the woods beckoned him on. A chittering sound caught his attention. He realized it was emanating from a small light. Curious, he broke away from the path to follow it. The light never seemed far, but he realized how much time had passed as he grew hungry. He paused and looked back, realizing he could no longer see the sun shining through the tree line. With some trepidation, he wondered how angry his mother was.

            Danny turned to go back, but the light was suddenly in his face, chittering loudly. He cried out and stumbled when his foot caught some brush, and ended up rolling into a small clearing, surrounded by mushrooms. He could remember feeling annoyed and brushing the bits of fungus off of his clothes, when a sudden tiredness overtook him. His entire body felt heavy and weary, and his head nodded – it was hard to keep his eyes open, and he was reminded of warm afternoons stuck inside with his droning tutor…

            And then he had woken up here.

            Danny didn’t know where here was. It was a mostly concrete enclosure of some sort. A bundle of hay with a blanket created a makeshift resting place, stray bits of hay strewn across the floor. Only one wall was different – a semi-opaque barrier. He wondered what kind of place he had been taken to. He stood and walked quickly over to the barrier and placed his hands on it – it felt like glass. Danny balled his hands into fists and punched the strange barrier.

            The surface had too much give and bounced his fist back like rubber. Frustrated, he began to punch it more, harder, and even kicked it a few times, but each time it absorbed his blows. By the time he stepped away, huffing and puffing with his effort, he could see that he had not made the slightest mark. Frustrated and frightened, Danny felt his eyes well up with tears, blurring his vision. What was going to happen to him? He tossed himself down on the straw pile and bawled loudly.

            After an hour, his tears quieted, though he didn’t feel much better. As he lay sniffling, he heard the sound of something scraping across the concrete. Frowning, he pushed himself up and looked over his shoulder – a portion in the corner of the barrier was open, and a tray of food was being pushed in. He jumped up and ran over, but the opening disappeared before he could reach it. He could barely see a shadow moving back, and he slapped his hands on the barrier again. “Wait!” he shouted. The shadow stood for a few moments before moving on.

            The tray held a small warm loaf of bread, and a bowl of a hearty looking white soup. There was also a little jug – Danny lifted it carefully and could hear some liquid sloshing around inside. When he opened and smelled it, it smelled faintly musty – he took a sip and found that it was water. His stomach growled and he remembered how hungry he was. He sat and ate the soup, tearing the loaf of bread into pieces to dip into it.

            After eating, he sat staring at the edges of the strange barrier and where it met the concrete cell. He wondered if there was any weakness he could exploit, and poked at the edges he could reach. As he sat, shadows moved beyond it, but after the first few had ignored him, he had stopped acknowledging them. When he grew tired, he moved to the blanket and slept.

When he woke, the tray was gone.

            He moved over to the barrier and sat at the spot that had opened before. Maybe he would be able to squeeze out quickly the next time they came to feed him. He hadn’t waited long when a new, larger opening appeared and three people stepped into his small enclosure. He pushed himself against the concrete as he stared up at them. Although they appeared initially human, something inside him screamed that they were not. All three were ethereally beautiful – two men and a young girl that looked just a little older than him. They were taller than humans, with features that seemed more pointed and elongated – large eyes, prominent cheekbones, pointed ears, slightly upturned noses, and long thin limbs. They seemed to emit a faint glow.

            “We got him in just yesterday. This one isn’t very obedient, which is why it was so easy to separate it from its mother, but it’s still quite young and should be amenable to any training. I think it would be a wonderful starter pet for your child,” one of the beings was saying as they crowded around him.

            “It is quite young,” the other adult said, seeming hesitant.

            “Doesn’t it’s mother miss it?” asked the child, reaching a hesitant hand out to Danny. Danny stared at the hand, the long fingers, the pointed nails.

            “Ah, you see, that is what changelings are for. You’ve raised one for a class assignment, haven’t you? We use them to replace the ones we adopt, so the parents are not distressed at a sudden disappearance. And then the changeling sickens and dies, and the parents don’t know that anything is unnaturally missing.”

            Danny reached out tentatively to the child’s hand, astonished to see that her eyes were yellow. The inhuman girl giggled as their fingers brushed. “I like him! Can we take him home?”

            The hesitant adult considered and nodded. “Well, we did come to this animal shelter to find you a pet. Remember, humans are a lot of work to care for.” The girl promised ardently to provide the best care.

            “If you’d follow me, we do have some contracts to fill to finalize the adoption…”

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And the following is the judge feedback for the story, this time much shorter but with some interesting ideas on what could be clarified or expanded upon:

”Adoption” by Mary O’Doherty –   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {1745}  What an amazing story! The way you twisted it to humans and other worldly beings was so interesting, compared to a regular animal shelter. Quite shocking in a very well written way!  {2027}  I admire the use of the animal shelter here — an interesting twist to have the fae creatures come and adopt the child, Danny, as they would any pet. This does well to illustrate an old tradition in fairytales, which is to heed a parent’s wishes and wisdom or face terrible consequences. Nice work!  {2026}  The beginning of this story reminded me of Pan’s Labyrinth, where young girl follows the forest fairy to the fawn in the labyrinth (a great, but dark  film if you haven’t seen it). This story’s unique premise and timely plot development help make it an impeccable reading experience. I especially enjoyed the part where you describe the child’s reaction to waking up in the animal shelter. The subsequent dialog cleverly delivers key information about the child’s inhuman kidnappers. There’s lots to admire here; thanks for sharing!  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {1745}  I would have loved to see a bit more detail about those beings who capture the humans, it seems like they would look very unique and quite scary!  {2027}  I wonder if it might further strengthen Danny’s character to have him speak directly to these creatures at the end. What could he say to try to defend himself? Can they understand him as he can understand them?  {2026}  As a practical point, I wondered how the changelings were raised to replace the children they kidnapped. Wouldn’t they need to resemble the kid they replace, appearance and behavior-wise? What are these inhuman characters? Aliens or elves? I wanted more world-building and explanation here.

I ended up enrolling in the contest again this year, and have finished the two stories for the first round. I did not make it into the next round, which is ongoing this weekend, so I decided to go ahead and post the stories I have done.

For those that don’t know, the Flash Fiction Challenge is a yearly writing contest where writers are given a prompt to complete over the course of a weekend. The challenge is that it is a 1000 word count limit since it is flash fiction. Last year I did fairly well but did not proceed to the last round.

Anyhow, the first round’s challenge for my group was to write a thriller that takes place at a costume party and an item that must show up is a bucket. I always struggle with thrillers. There were a lot of details I ended up having to cut from what I wrote, and I feel like I would like to revisit the story to add all the details back in without worrying about the word count. This story was definitely the weakest of the two, and I worried about even scoring any points for it at all – I wasn’t sure if I had stayed within the genre. It placed low, but did still score 6 points. The title is Bucketguard.

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“My son is one of the top researchers for my company,” Crandall Ward had said two days earlier, his voice bursting with pride. “He’s been studying preserving memory electronically, and he’s on the edge of a major breakthrough. There are those that would want to steal that knowledge… and others that would want to put a stop to it.”

“Why’s that?” Eliza had asked.

“Imagine being able to eventually bring a person back from the dead in a new prosthetic body, or even allowing them to continue their life in a simulation. Effectively, he’s on the edge of human immortality. There have been… threats. But he’s set on attending this social function.”

“And that’s why you contacted us?” Frank had said.

Ward nodded. “You came highly recommended.”

Jonathon’s only request was that his bodyguards blend in as guests. Since this was a costume party, that meant costumes.

Now, before the party, Frank watched the dog onesie’s plastic eyes slowly transition over him from toe to top, and felt the prescience of a headache build slowly in his temple. “That,” said Eliza, “is your costume? You’re wearing a bucket.”

“I improvised.”

The dog shook its head, placing paws to hips. “I hope it’s clean.”

“It’s new.” It was a metal bucket with pieces cut out to form a smiley face. The holes had been lined with tinted vinyl and foam lining inside made it comfortable to wear.

“If you had time to buy a bucket, why not just buy a costume?”

“I don’t know where to get a costume in April.”

“You could order one online?” Eliza knew the answer to that, so Frank didn’t bother responding. He detested doing anything online. Frank relied on contacts and word of mouth for his bodyguard service. And the periods of idleness between gigs was starting to lengthen. Eliza liked Frank, but she suspected that if she didn’t move on, she’d find herself staying out of loyalty. And loyalty didn’t pay bills.

They met Jonathon at his laboratory and rode with him in his limousine to the party, which was being held at the lavish mansion of a young socialite named Lisa. Lisa had been a friend of Jonathon’s from middle school. Jonathon was dressed as a cat, and on the way he and Eliza bantered over whether cats or dogs were better. Once there, Frank and Eliza moved into different spots, mingling in the background and always keeping Jonathon in sight. Jonathon settled onto a couch with a drink and their host, conversing like old friends.

Frank frowned. The party seemed to be ending rather than starting – there were people leaving, and the catering was being cleared away. Despite that, Lisa’s security detail – all black clad men – seemed to be increasing. Since there wasn’t much of a crowd to mingle in, Frank moved himself closer to the edge of the room and stepped into a darkened hallway. From the very edge of his limited vision, he noted that he was being shadowed.

Trusting Eliza to keep an eye on Jonathon, Frank crossed the hallway and found a doorframe to step into. The shadowy figure following him walked past. Frank stepped forward and put the man, dressed like a member of Lisa’s security, into a choke hold. The man struggled, but Frank maintained his grip until the movements stopped. Discarding the bucket, he moved back into the party room.

Which was empty. Frank stood for one dumbfounded moment until he heard shouting and what sounded like a fight breaking out. Across from his doorway was another, leading back into the hallway they had arrived in originally. Frank ran into that hallway in time to see the vestiges of a dog onesie slide into another room at the end.

Following, Frank heard Eliza shouting. He saw the dog lift one of its paws and gunfire followed, the bullets ripping through the fabric with ease. Eliza was shooting at a man exiting the room through French doors leading outside – Frank could see the raised gun in his hands as he fell. Frank pulled his own pistol out and moved forward, hearing Eliza cursing up a storm as she followed.

Outside, they saw five black-clad men pushing Lisa and Jonathon forward toward the edge of the property. Frank started to raise his gun, but Eliza slapped at him as she ran past. “You’ll hit your client, dumbass.” Frank huffed and followed after, lowering his shoulder as he prepared for a tackle. He watched Eliza fly in with a devastating kick to take out one of the men holding Jonathon, before swinging around to land a series of punches on the other. Frank shifted his target as he saw one of the others reach for a weapon. He tackled that man, rolling over him as they both hit the ground. Frank wrested the gun from his opponent and hit him in the head with a satisfying crack.

Twisting, he shot one of the other opponents in the leg. The gunfire spooked the others and they ran off. Jonathon looked up at Frank, dazed, cat ears missing, and took a proffered hand after a moment. “Lisa? Are you all right?”

“She should be,” Frank said, “Since she set this up.”

“What do you…!?” Studying the expressions on their faces, seeing a sense of realization wash over Jonathon’s face, Lisa lifted her chin defiantly and stopped speaking.

“Why?” Jonathon asked.

“What you’re doing is an affront to God.”

“Let’s go,” Eliza said, placing an arm on Jonathon’s shoulder and steering him toward the front of the mansion. Once his limo was pulling away, Eliza pulled the dog head off, shaking her blonde hair out. “What happened to the bucket?”

 “It hindered my vision.”

Jonathon was staring at Eliza, slack jawed. Frank raised an eyebrow and Jonathon cleared his throat. “I guess my father was right, about me needing protection,” he said. “I don’t suppose the two of you are looking for a more permanent job?”

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The feedback from the judges this time around was very long, which I found quite helpful. A lot of the issues come from the way that I chose to edit the story – the original version would have cleared up some instances of confusion, but in order to quickly get the needed information into the 1000 word slot, I did a lot of fumbled editing. I do find the request for more details to be encouraging, because I had wanted there to be many more details, so I found all of the feedback to be quite fair. Following is the feedback:

”Bucketguard” by Mary O’Doherty –   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {2039}  Your costuming for your protagonists was whimsical, and the image of a bullet exploding from a dog’s paw rather hilarious.  {1846}  This story gripped me right from the start – Crandall’s dialogue is not only realistic/believable, but it also introduces tension and potential conflict, drawing the reader in quickly. Indeed, the dialogue throughout is stellar, and helps, also, to reveal the characters. I was very intrigued by Jonathon’s research and the early presence of bodyguards in the narrative. Great work providing small details that additionally help to flesh out the characters, such as how Frank “detested doing anything online” and “relied on contacts and word of mouth.” With such a short amount of space to develop characters, it’s the little details like these that bring the characters to life. Similarly, I loved the single sentences that, in such a short space, create a tense mood or atmosphere – such as how Frank notices the black clad men increasing, despite the party seeming to be coming to an end. Excellent work creating believable action scenes.  {1597}  I thought the concept of the digitized memory and someone who thought this was an affront to God was a compelling premise for the story. I liked the dog and cat costumes you described and how it lead to a debate about the actual animals. I liked how Jonathon offered the two a job at the end of the story, which was a nice way to end it.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {2039}  You seemed not a particular point of view for your story. It seems most appropriately to be third person omniscient, but winds up feeling more like third person limited, except it skips haphazardly back and forth between Eliza and Frank. Be careful not to dizzy your readers by changing your subject of focus too often. Consider the character you find the most interesting. Follow them! Suspense and action are important in the thriller genre. While you took a solid stab at suspense, your action may have been a bit lacking. For example, Eliza ‘flying in with a devastating kick’ doesn’t say as much as you’d like. How does she leap? Where does she land? I would have liked to hear more about her hand to hand combat than ‘a series of punches’. Frank’s scuffle on the ground could have also been more sensuously described.  {1846}  If you’d like to continue working with this story, there are just a couple places that could possibly use some clarification.  I had expected for Jonathon to be a more central character to the story, since the story opens with a lot of information about him. But I think the story is ultimately about Frank – he is the main character here. This is another small fix that could be done a number of ways, but one example is to have Frank verbally respond to Crandall first (vs Eliza) and have some kind of internal thought/reaction/response.  This is a very small detail, but I felt somewhat confused about the following sentence and could not quite picture it clearly: “Frank watched the dog onesie’s plastic eyes slowly transition over him from toe to top” – what I don’t quite see is how the plastic eyes look or observe. I mention it because it did stop me for a while in my reading, trying to picture the costume. I had a little curiosity about Lisa and how she and Jonathon had managed to stay in contact since childhood – this isn’t something that needs to be “fixed” by any means, I think the explanation that they knew each other from way back when is enough to explain why she’s hosting the party, but as a reader I did find myself curious to know more about that, if even the information is given in a single line.  {1597}  The names Eliza and Lisa are a little too similar, so I would try to make them more different. While you have a lot of action in the story, it is described very matter-of-factly, almost from a distance, for example, “Twisting, he shot one of the other opponents in the leg.” Try to make it more immediate and connected to the emotions and experiences of the characters, rather than using such a bird’s eye view of the events.