The sidequests for this week were a strange cross between simple and hard. One was to pause and take 10 deep breaths, the other was to write down 3 things I like about myself, and the last was to do a brain dump by making a list, journaling, or mind-mapping.

Okay. 10 deep breaths is simple enough. Done. But I always find it weird to do 10 – it’s an unreasonable amount if you need a short pause to re-orient your mind, especially if you are really focusing on the inhale and exhale. It feels like you may as well sit down and start a meditation session and let it lead from there. Although maybe some people need a little more time to re-set their brain if they’re really stressed.

The brain dump one is also pretty simple – I already keep a journal! I’ve written in it a few times this week. I’ve actually kept a journal sporadically since I was a teenager. Originally I wrote in a notebook to a friend I rode the bus with, and we would pass it back and forth, but at one point I decided to just do the same process in private for myself. That friend’s name was Melissa, so my journal entries used to start with “Dear Missa” because that’s what she wanted to be called for short.

…I haven’t honestly thought of her in years, until just now recalling that. I can’t remember anything else about her. It was maybe about 6th grade? Anyway, I kept journals in tiny notebooks for the next few years, writing nearly daily about all the little trivial concerns and dramas that middle school girls experience. When I moved to Oklahoma, I continued to write, but had a period of depression. I remember we had a computer for the first time, and I had initially worked to type out my old journal entries, then thought that the stupid trivial thoughts of a teenager were pointless, and I threw away all of my journals. I considered it, in part, a way to let go of the past.

Sometimes I regret it a little, but also… kind of not? I’ve done similar purges over the years. When livejournal and the deardiary website were things, I kept extensive diaries online, but then deleted and purged all of those as well. Those were likely more interesting than my middle school ones, because they took me through my older teen/young adult years when I did a lot of base philosophizing and really ironed out my personality and personal ideologies.

After that, there were a lot of false starts. I would start to keep a paper journal, but maybe only get three pages in and then wouldn’t write again in forever, so those pages got ripped out. I would use software like Advanced Diary to write for awhile here and there too. Did finally get back into the habit of journaling, and actually do keep it in smaller notebooks again. But as an adult, it’s less drama and philosophy and more of a rambling on tasks I need to complete in the next week and the occasional rant when I do need to vent. I also keep a weekly planner and try to write one sentence about each day on it.

I don’t know if at some point I will decide to toss or destroy or delete any of these current records as well. We’ll see. Sometimes I hang on to things longer than I should, but I usually do hit a point where I decide to let go.

(All of that was a little like journaling, no? So second task – done!)

The hardest one thought! I do like writing, but writing three things I like about myself is a bit hard. What do I like about myself? Let’s see…

1. (Proceeds to sit for 10 minutes staring at the screen and contemplating what I like about myself)
2. (Fuck)
3. (Man like, seriously though. FUCK.)

I feel like anything I could list is too inconsistent. I think of myself as a hard worker, but I also know how lazy and apathetic I get about a lot of things. I think I’m funny, but I’m kind of an asshole to achieve that. I’m not completely ugly? But I’m only like… average? I’m smart, but it’s the kind of above-average-below-notice that a lot of people fall into smart, nothing impressive. I don’t dislike myself, but it’s hard to think of something that I can positively say where I can’t immediately guiltily think of all of the “buts” to it.

Fuck! Let’s try again.

1. I like my imagination. I feel like I’ve used it to perhaps indulge in escapism too much most of the time, but it’s still been a lot of fun.
2. I like the fact that I can be comfortable being alone. I feel like too many people aren’t comfortable enough being by themselves and in their own head.
3. I like that I rarely feel anxious. It makes it easier to deal with certain situations.

Does that kind of work? I guess. We’ll call it works.