For the second story, my genre was Fairy Tale, the setting was an animal rescue shelter, and the item that had to appear was a loaf of bread. I was more confident with this genre, and did score 3rd overall in our group, but with the poor results of the first story was not able to advance to the next round.
I found that I really liked the idea of this story as a prelude for a longer story. I’m not sure that I will ever actually write it, but the idea was quite fun. At first I was going to lean towards using aliens, but then realized that would lean more sci fi than fairy tale, so changed the adopters. I was a little worried that the judges knowing what to look out for in the story would spoil the ending and cause it to score lower, but I really liked the idea and decided to stick to it, and it did work out in the end. So the following is my story: Adoption.
Danny could remember hearing his mother’s voice yelling caution, “Don’t go too far in, Daniel! I don’t want to lose you!”
But something about the calming green of the woods beckoned him on. A chittering sound caught his attention. He realized it was emanating from a small light. Curious, he broke away from the path to follow it. The light never seemed far, but he realized how much time had passed as he grew hungry. He paused and looked back, realizing he could no longer see the sun shining through the tree line. With some trepidation, he wondered how angry his mother was.
Danny turned to go back, but the light was suddenly in his face, chittering loudly. He cried out and stumbled when his foot caught some brush, and ended up rolling into a small clearing, surrounded by mushrooms. He could remember feeling annoyed and brushing the bits of fungus off of his clothes, when a sudden tiredness overtook him. His entire body felt heavy and weary, and his head nodded – it was hard to keep his eyes open, and he was reminded of warm afternoons stuck inside with his droning tutor…
And then he had woken up here.
Danny didn’t know where here was. It was a mostly concrete enclosure of some sort. A bundle of hay with a blanket created a makeshift resting place, stray bits of hay strewn across the floor. Only one wall was different – a semi-opaque barrier. He wondered what kind of place he had been taken to. He stood and walked quickly over to the barrier and placed his hands on it – it felt like glass. Danny balled his hands into fists and punched the strange barrier.
The surface had too much give and bounced his fist back like rubber. Frustrated, he began to punch it more, harder, and even kicked it a few times, but each time it absorbed his blows. By the time he stepped away, huffing and puffing with his effort, he could see that he had not made the slightest mark. Frustrated and frightened, Danny felt his eyes well up with tears, blurring his vision. What was going to happen to him? He tossed himself down on the straw pile and bawled loudly.
After an hour, his tears quieted, though he didn’t feel much better. As he lay sniffling, he heard the sound of something scraping across the concrete. Frowning, he pushed himself up and looked over his shoulder – a portion in the corner of the barrier was open, and a tray of food was being pushed in. He jumped up and ran over, but the opening disappeared before he could reach it. He could barely see a shadow moving back, and he slapped his hands on the barrier again. “Wait!” he shouted. The shadow stood for a few moments before moving on.
The tray held a small warm loaf of bread, and a bowl of a hearty looking white soup. There was also a little jug – Danny lifted it carefully and could hear some liquid sloshing around inside. When he opened and smelled it, it smelled faintly musty – he took a sip and found that it was water. His stomach growled and he remembered how hungry he was. He sat and ate the soup, tearing the loaf of bread into pieces to dip into it.
After eating, he sat staring at the edges of the strange barrier and where it met the concrete cell. He wondered if there was any weakness he could exploit, and poked at the edges he could reach. As he sat, shadows moved beyond it, but after the first few had ignored him, he had stopped acknowledging them. When he grew tired, he moved to the blanket and slept.
When he woke, the tray was gone.
He moved over to the barrier and sat at the spot that had opened before. Maybe he would be able to squeeze out quickly the next time they came to feed him. He hadn’t waited long when a new, larger opening appeared and three people stepped into his small enclosure. He pushed himself against the concrete as he stared up at them. Although they appeared initially human, something inside him screamed that they were not. All three were ethereally beautiful – two men and a young girl that looked just a little older than him. They were taller than humans, with features that seemed more pointed and elongated – large eyes, prominent cheekbones, pointed ears, slightly upturned noses, and long thin limbs. They seemed to emit a faint glow.
“We got him in just yesterday. This one isn’t very obedient, which is why it was so easy to separate it from its mother, but it’s still quite young and should be amenable to any training. I think it would be a wonderful starter pet for your child,” one of the beings was saying as they crowded around him.
“It is quite young,” the other adult said, seeming hesitant.
“Doesn’t it’s mother miss it?” asked the child, reaching a hesitant hand out to Danny. Danny stared at the hand, the long fingers, the pointed nails.
“Ah, you see, that is what changelings are for. You’ve raised one for a class assignment, haven’t you? We use them to replace the ones we adopt, so the parents are not distressed at a sudden disappearance. And then the changeling sickens and dies, and the parents don’t know that anything is unnaturally missing.”
Danny reached out tentatively to the child’s hand, astonished to see that her eyes were yellow. The inhuman girl giggled as their fingers brushed. “I like him! Can we take him home?”
The hesitant adult considered and nodded. “Well, we did come to this animal shelter to find you a pet. Remember, humans are a lot of work to care for.” The girl promised ardently to provide the best care.
“If you’d follow me, we do have some contracts to fill to finalize the adoption…”
And the following is the judge feedback for the story, this time much shorter but with some interesting ideas on what could be clarified or expanded upon:
”Adoption” by Mary O’Doherty – WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {1745} What an amazing story! The way you twisted it to humans and other worldly beings was so interesting, compared to a regular animal shelter. Quite shocking in a very well written way! {2027} I admire the use of the animal shelter here — an interesting twist to have the fae creatures come and adopt the child, Danny, as they would any pet. This does well to illustrate an old tradition in fairytales, which is to heed a parent’s wishes and wisdom or face terrible consequences. Nice work! {2026} The beginning of this story reminded me of Pan’s Labyrinth, where young girl follows the forest fairy to the fawn in the labyrinth (a great, but dark film if you haven’t seen it). This story’s unique premise and timely plot development help make it an impeccable reading experience. I especially enjoyed the part where you describe the child’s reaction to waking up in the animal shelter. The subsequent dialog cleverly delivers key information about the child’s inhuman kidnappers. There’s lots to admire here; thanks for sharing! WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {1745} I would have loved to see a bit more detail about those beings who capture the humans, it seems like they would look very unique and quite scary! {2027} I wonder if it might further strengthen Danny’s character to have him speak directly to these creatures at the end. What could he say to try to defend himself? Can they understand him as he can understand them? {2026} As a practical point, I wondered how the changelings were raised to replace the children they kidnapped. Wouldn’t they need to resemble the kid they replace, appearance and behavior-wise? What are these inhuman characters? Aliens or elves? I wanted more world-building and explanation here.
mehryment 